In each of our last two newsletters, we featured a short article describing a development tip, something that seems very simple but can substantially improve communication and your interpersonal skills. In the first article we discussed the potential damage done by the word “but”. In the second, we described the antithesis of effective listening; something we called “highjacking”. In this third article in the series we'll discuss empathy and it's nemesis, something we call the "blame game."

Several years ago, I came home from work to find my wife in a bit of a state. I asked her what happened to upset her, and she explained that she'd had a terrible day in general. But to cap it off her car had broken down in the middle of the downtown core at the beginning of rush hour and she had to sit in a stalled car, in bumper to bumper traffic for an hour until the automobile association came to her rescue. My response to her plight probably ranked as the worst possible as I turned to her and said, "I told you to have the car serviced last week."

Whenever I tell this story I'm greeted by many "how could you be so dumb" exclamations. However, as serious a gaff as it was, I'll bet that all of us have been guilty of similar, if perhaps less destructive, faux pas. Let's look at the dynamics of this particular example to see what we can learn.

Being male, an ex-manager and longtime management consultant, I, like many of similar gender and background, had developed a belief that when someone described a problem, they were expecting me to provide a solution. Moreover, I believed that it was my job to provide a solution, and that I was somehow deficient if I couldn't. As a result, I'd be a little frustrated if I couldn't come up with an instant solution and often, as in this case, say something entirely inappropriate. Can you think of times when you've been guilty of this?

Here are a couple of examples:

Statement: "I think I'm catching a cold."
Response: "I told you not to go out without a sweater!"

Statement: "I don't think I did very well at that interview"
Response: "You would have done better if you'd spent more time preparing."

Statement: "I got caught in the traffic and was late for work again today." Response: "You should leave a few minutes earlier, I always do!"

You get the idea! Someone comes to you with a problem and you tell them it's their own fault. We call this the "blame game". And as you can imagine, it does very little to help the individual with the problem or to enhance a relationship. In fact, playing the blame game is a great way to ensure that people don't come to you to discuss problems.

Don't Blame. Empathize:
So what should you do if someone comes to you with a problem and you don't know the solution? Well, the first thing you must realize is that quite often they aren't expecting you to come up with a solution. Think about it! In all the examples given, the unfortunate event has already happened. There is no solution. Why then is the person telling you about it? What do they want from you? You probably know the answer; they are looking for empathy. All that's required is a simple empathetic statement that shows you understand how they feel and agree it's okay to feel that way. Statements like "That must be really difficult for you.", "I can see that's really worrying you." or "I can see that your finding it very frustrating" are often the most useful thing you can provide, and believe it or not, they can do wonders for a relationship.

Of course there will be times when the person is looking for advice. In these cases the basic rule remains intact. You are not expected to have solutions to all problems. In these cases, you should still empathize, and then go on to help the individual explore the issue and perhaps find a solution simply by using you as a sounding board. solutions are usually far more successful if individuals finds them for themselves.

The Most Difficult Communication Skill?
Of all the communications skills I've discussed with managers, empathy is the one with which most have struggled. Many can't believe it will help. Others simply can't shed the habit of jumping directly to giving advice or suggesting a solution. For these people I have two pieces of advice. The first is to persevere. It won't happen overnight. I once had a senior manager who in the workshop setting just couldn't empathize. He automatically jumped to a solution. I met him a few months later and he ran up to me and said with some excitement, "Bob, I just had my performance review and guess what my boss said? She said I was becoming more empathetic." The second piece of advice is more of a fall-back position. If you, like Mr. Spock on Star Trek, really can't show empathy (the empathy part of your brain doesn't exist), then it's a shame but don't worry; at the very least you can build relationships by refusing to play the blame game.

For more information contact Bob Power