Personal Development: Often, substantial strides in our personal development can come from changing minor aspects of our behaviour. This is the first in a series of short tips on those “little things that can mean a lot” to our personal effectiveness.

When it comes to oral communication, we can choose from a wealth of small changes that make a big difference. Since this is the first of these short articles we’ll start with a tiny change in habit that will make a huge difference. In fact it’s our use of one little word. And what is that word? Well, read the following sentence and you tell me.

“This is a good article, but it’s kind of long.”

If it isn’t obvious to you, then the answer is the word “but”. This word does an inordinate amount of damage, and the sad thing is that few people realize how much negative impact it has on our relationship building. Here’s a more common example:

Years ago, it was an accepted principle of feedback that before you give negative feedback, lead in with something positive. So a common pattern of feedback became, “Susan, you do a pretty good job here, but do you realize how obnoxious you can be?” Managers truly believed that the positive lead-in would mitigate the negative impact of the second part of the message. Since few managers made a habit of delivering genuine praise, they developed a pattern soon recognized by employees. If your manager delivers praise, watch out, because it is simply a prelude to a nasty zinger. You could actually see employees flinch when they received the positive feedback because they knew what came next.

Many more managers today know that negative or re-directional feedback should be presented directly without a link to positive. However, the misuse of the word “but” is still a habit displayed to some extent by most of us.

I’m not advocating that you completely remove the word but from your vocabulary. But in certain situations, realize that the word will destroy any positive impact you may be intending in discussions with others. There are three specific situations you should watch out for.

The first we’ve already mentioned, and it’s praise. If you genuinely want to praise someone then do so, but don’t ad a sting in the tail with a “but”. If Joe has written a good report tell him, and resist the temptation of adding, “but next time can you make it a little briefer”. If necessary you can address that issue later. But for now reap the benefits of genuine praise.

The second situation is when you debating an issue and you concede a point. If done well, conceding a point will benefit you by showing the other person that you’re flexible and receptive to their ideas. But once again, follow the concession with a “but’ and any possible benefit is lost. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How do you feel when someone says “Okay you’ve got a point but….”? So the point again is simple. If you want to show openness and flexibility, concede the point, but leave it at that.

Finally, if someone has a suggestion that you disagree with, don’t agree with it and follow agreement with a “but”. If you disagree and don’t want to appear abrupt or inflexible, simply discuss the idea and ask questions that should reveal any flaws.

Now the difficult part! There is no doubt that making this one small change will make a big difference. But (this but’s okay), once you start to become conscious of how often you misuse the term, and how it flows from the tongue so naturally, you’ll realize that changing the one small habit can be a challenge. After many years of writing and talking about it, I still find myself slipping into the old “but” pattern. But on a brighter note, I use it probably 90% less than I used to, and as long as we are improving then that’s good. So make a start. Become aware of its misuse and work on eliminating it. You’ll soon notice a difference in the overall effectiveness of your communication and your relationships.

For more information contact Bob Power